“I want that!” Five year old Finn cries pointing to a digger the size of Montana.
Poppie spies a life-size baby doll dressed in pink. “Can I have that?” she begs.
From candy, to cereal with marshmallows, to remote control helicopters, and doll buggies, there is no respite for parents from I-want, I-want, I-gotta-have-it!
Add to that it’s the holiday season and everywhere we go there is some shiny object to snag their mad magpie desire. It cannot be derailed or distracted and it could end in terrible tantrums and tears, until we came up with the magic words that work every time for us. Yes you read that right, every time:
Put it on the list.
“I want that car you can sit in and it goes by itself…”
“No problem, let’s put it on the list.”
“I’m so hungry I want that all that chocolate candy…”
“Let me write that down on your list.”
“Luke has a real pocketknife and I need one too. . .”
“Hmmm. . .sounds dangerous, but let’s put it on the list.”
We will often draw pictures beside the name of the longed-for items so the kids can ‘read’ the wish list themselves. Sometimes we will spend time going over and refining it. Sometimes I will ask if they want to add the doo-dad they mentioned to the list (“No, I just was thinking about if I need it,”). Sometimes the list lays forgotten on the kitchen desk until they want to add a sudden thought.
Here’s what makes this work–you are not saying no, instead you are giving their hopes and dreams weight by writing them down. They can put anything–however wild or impossible–on the list and with the few seconds it takes, you can derail the tantrum because you are not actively denying them. Why have an outburst over a possibility? Older kids who can write themselves can be given the tools—a paper, a pen, a notebook—to keep track of what they long for.
It is possible that it works for us because we are a family of list makers—errands, groceries, tasks, to-do—and the kids see us spend time writing our own important words to remember. We take our lists seriously, and there is an underlying assumption that we will take theirs seriously too.
You can start by telling your son or daughter that many children make lists for Santa Claus, they can too, and they can add to it year-round so they don’t forget what they want. It is important to never forget what you want, you can tell them, which is true.
What have you got to lose? Don’t say no, say Put it on the list!
